The kindness of Aspies

Esther Ghey, mother of murdered child, Brianna, is calling for kindness to be more evident in children and mindfulness to be taught in schools and who doesn’t want children to be kind? The snag comes when one is dealing with children being raised by neglectful, cruel and abusive care givers. Then, their brains which are in their formative years of development will doubtless be turning these children into the kinds of people who are not kind and at their worst, possible serial killers without consciences.
The interesting thing about people with Asperger’s is that we are kind people whose kindness is often masked by our forthright bluntness, tactlessness and social ineptness.

When I was at school as I have stated elsewhere, I readily went to the aid of smaller blind children and except for one instance (also written about elsewhere), did not engage in unkind behaviour and see my own fortunate position with regard to being bright as a matter of luck and not a means by which to look down on those with learning difficulties or other problems which I don’t share. Strangely I can be and have been very gentle with those with severe learning difficulties. I have all the patience imaginable with them although it’s fair to say I don’t meet that many now.
A few years ago I met a blind man with learning difficulties who had been to a school for blind children with additional disabilities. Now this school is closed so heaven knows where such children go. All he wanted to do was get married and as he put it: “give my love to someone”, a sentiment I could understand especially since he wasn’t only talking about sex though I’m sure that was a part of it.
Given my bluntness and tactlessness which is often all too evident, you may perhaps be forgiven for thinking I would say something like:
“Marry you! As if I could and would do that! Imagine how dull life would be because I couldn’t have an intelligent conversation with you and you wouldn’t be able to help me much which I would need because when you marry another blind person they have to be as capable as you are in order to cope well with things and even then there are things we would need help for”.
I knew I could never say such awful things to him and that if I did he’d be cut to the quick. What he wanted was normal and right and instead I felt awful that I couldn’t be the one to provide what he wanted except in the way of companionship but hugging was a bit risky since it was too tempting to go that far at least for him so maybe even more cruel to do that much.
Instead, what I did say was:
“Oh P! I have been married to a blind man and it presented huge difficulties and he was ill for months before a heart operation, then he died. I could never go through that again which is why I have to say no. I feel so sorry because I know how lonely you are and understand all too well the difficulties you have with finding outlets for your love and compassion because so do I. Hardly anyone will take me on for voluntary work or let me do anything other than sit there when I do. That’s why I understand you”.

What I didn’t tell him was that I’d have given it a go had he been brighter because then we could have pulled together. Even then it’s ever so hard but I wasn’t equal to the challenge of marrying someone with learning difficulties. He asked me several times more to marry him and said to me:
“If you know how it feels then why won’t you”?
It meant patiently explaining all over again, why not. He was terrified of thunder so rang me up to keep him calm when there was a storm. He’d stay on the phone till it was all over. Eventually he moved back to Plymouth.
K was the first to put her hand up, so to speak, when someone asked for help with teaching another blind person Braille and she was the only one in the city who would agree. She goes to a nursery school to read to and interact with children there and has also been to a Catholic school for older children and I think she has also been to nursing homes as have I and to old people’s homes. I went to those with my various dogs. I recall walking seven miles for Great Ormond Street children’s hospital when Princess Diana died so I could raise money for it and walked five Kilometres for Race for Life before now. I have done other things as well but it seems a bit boastful to list them as all I’m trying to do is explain the inherent kindness of “Aspies”, sadly masked by our bluntness just as we try to mask our difficulties in order to fit in. It’s an awful contradiction which is ironic and rather unfortunate.

Lisa once said something to me about not liking other people. That’s not at all true. I don’t have a dislike of people and if I feel comfortable and the group is small enough, I’m not excluded or ridiculed or rejected then I can be quite gregarious. What I don’t like so don’t mix because of is gossip, the emergence of a group leader who is often not nice or kind and instead is dominant and domineering, influential in a bad way and it’s not my dislike of people which is the problem but rather my lack of understanding of what they want from me. To say I dislike people is as inaccurate as saying I dislike a Rembrandt or silent films or those without audio description. Things which are incomprehensible and which can’t be made more so by being given explanations at the time of encounter (a film being experienced on one’s own for instance) is obviously not something I’d deliberately choose to bother with or follow.
I suspect my kindness towards P stemmed from the fact that he did not make me feel uneasy, gauche, stupid and inadequate so no unkind words came out accidentally. Also I am bright enough to know not only did he need kind treatment for he can’t help having learning difficulties but I know his brain is him, yours is you and mine is mine. Personality comes from no other place.
The interesting thing is that K’s friend, S was brought up by a highly dysfunctional family where she encountered violence to the point where she is startled by the falling and breaking of a glass, yet she is loving and gentle when one would expect her to be full of hate and anger.

Something which makes us change must happen when brains reach a certain point in development but just where I can’t say. I know that nearly all children I have met have been kind to me and even a three-year-old tried holding open a big heavy door into the chemist’s once when they saw me coming. I was told this once I’d got through otherwise I’d have dropped to my knees and hugged the child and thanked her or him for being so lovely and kind. When children exhibit cruelty they have normally learned this from prejudiced or ignorant care givers. “Aspie” people retain a good measure of child-like qualities and this includes the notion of kindness, the need for forgiveness and to actually practise it, many retain a child-like view of Christianity and most probably other religions to which they belong, as well and will be kind regardless of faith, colour or creed. All we know is that people worse off or in need want and need our help and feel frustrated when our own disabilities when they co-exist with the Asperger’s prevent us from helping.

Before one “Aspie” man I knew died, he, who was not in the best of health himself, helped his neighbour, worked helping other people and told me he loved helping others. Being a Syndrome, lots of “Aspies” have bowel problems and K an I have found also lots of people with bronchial problems. Whenever I get a cold it often goes to the chest and I dreaded getting Covid before there was a vaccine. I just wish everyone could be vaccinated against unkindness. In a wonderful play by Andrew Rissik, a character says to Philip,
“I want you to remember to be kind. It’s very nearly the most important thing there is”.
He was nearly right. It is the most important. No other human quality shows us up so well.