Years ago there was this lovely song by Long Dancer, called: “If it was so simple”.
No smart people with Asperger’s doesn’t ask themselves why they perseverate, though they may not know the name for it but may ask instead: “Why can’t I forget an upsetting comment quickly and brush it off like a fly that has landed on my hand”? No right thinking person with Asperger’s who is bright hasn’t asked themselves: “Why do I go up like a rocket for what others consider no reason”? Or “What do I do that upsets, offends, aggravates and turns people away when I can see dishonest people, loud and aggressive people, hate ridden people who are homophobic racists for often one is seen in conjunction with the other, raising children and having family support and even getting promotion at work when I am thorough, just, kind and yet can’t put it all together like the Stylistics advised”? In other words, we know that we don’t or do whatever we need to do but it doesn’t work out that way.
Cleverness to keep your temper
Since also anyone without Asperger’s but with common sense which I think is remarkably uncommon should be asking these questions about themselves as well as other people: “Why do I repeat the same mistakes over and over again”? Some do it by falling for the same unsuitable men or gambling their wages away and yet others smoke and drink to excess knowing it’s bad for them and others make bad bosses by working their employees too hard. The question we need to ask others then is: “Given that you are so smart why don’t you employ that cleverness to keep your temper? Why will you not stop melting? Why remain anxious when you know that is bad for you? Why do these things which result in people walking out of the door, out of your life and out of the world which for you becomes smaller, narrower and lonelier”?
Now for the answer which cynics will label as just one more pathetic autistic blind person making up a load of excuses for disagreeable conduct, bad temper and lousy social skills. Not at all! These are not excuses but reasons although they will turn into excuses in the mouths of people who do not try to find out why this happens and do their utmost to minimise the problem.
Instinctive brain instructions
Firstly we have to know why the problem occurs. Most people are born with an instinctive set of brain instructions, telling them to seek out others as well as giving them the “secret” code which instinctively enables them to socialise. They seek out and readily interact with those of their age group and engage in imaginative play and reciprocity comes naturally. In it’s naughtiest but most delightful and innocent form of “You show me yours and I’ll show you mine” and extends to the desire to do, say, exchange and benefit others and not just self. When this mechanism fails we call it autism. When it starts but does not stop with self we call it autism. When self charity begins but end at home we call it autism but don’t fully understand what happens to make someone autistic.
Just how many people whom we call neurotypical understand their own behaviour? Fewer than we think perhaps and probably not as many as there should be. Otherwise why all the reliance on therapists and psychologists?
Although people are not this cynical in a calculated way, they have come to realise that if they put the right coins in the relationship fruit machines they get cherries which not only mean the satisfaction of doing things properly and for other people but they also get support perhaps from other sources. “Aspies” understand that as well but the currency we have is old British pennies, dud American and Australian dollars that have somehow been made differently from acceptable currency. This is because regions of the brain where all our friendship and relationship currency is stored are damaged.
Speed of intellect
They are slower to develop and don’t develop at the same speed as the intellect which is often far superior or just a bit smarter than the average bears. (Remember the cartoons with Yogie and his pal)? Since it’s the only currency we have, there’s little choice but to try the currency we have in the friendship fruit machines there are. We persist in pulling the handle because we know we need friends. We are bright enough to see it working for others and to discern its benefits. If blind as well we know we need help as well and alienating people isn’t the best or even any way to get it. Also the brightest and most sensitive don’t like hurting people. They say autistic people only feel pain when it relates to themselves and only understand experiences when also undergone by them without the ability to transfer to the shoes of others and imagine how it is for them. Well we have been hurt so know that one so do not want to do this purposely.
Anyone who thinks the brain is not responsible for behaviour needs to read about the guy who accidentally put a tamping iron through his skull. He remained conscious but damaged his frontal lobes. From then on he swore and his personality changed and he became most unlike the guy he had been before. Most criminals especially violent ones have experienced damage to the frontal lobes or their upbringings have been so warped and dysfunctional as to make them totally incapable of empathy or fellow feeling. There’s this saying: “You are what you eat” and we are also what our brains and upbringing have made us. To know something intellectually is not the same as being able to easily control or carry something out. Try as I may, I cannot visualise the sky even though people tell me it’s blue on a lovely sunny day. They say red is hot so all I have to do is burn my hand on a hot cooker ring and hey presto! I’ve got red but guess what! My old beaker in which I drank milk as a child was cold so where did that leave me with my understanding of red?
Self control with regards to impulse control
The good news is that self control with regard to impulse control, losing tempers, shouting at or whatever does improve with age just like a good wine but we have to wait. We have to wait because the brain development needed takes decades and can’t be achieved in a New York minute. Knowing is different from being able to do something. If it weren’t the same then wanting and not overcoming your impulse to stuff yourself full of that cream bun would be overcome by your reason which would tell you it’s bad for you and will break your diet. It’s junk food with little calorific value and I can hear you say: “Oh but the cream bun tastes good whereas losing your temper brings no value and hurts other people. There’s no comparison”. No. Not when we are talking about consequences but yes when we are talking about the difference between intellect and impulse control. If you will, think of us all as vehicles, travelling through the world. We (that is people like me) know we have faulty brakes. Not many people with Asperger’s may know how it affects them but just that it does whereas I know because I’m interested in medical things. K knows because she is interested in the brain, probably if not precisely because her brain is trying to point her to the differences in it and that of others in the hope she will be able to help herself more and maybe other people as well if she can bring them to an understanding of how it functions. Trouble is that we do everything to an extreme of norm so therefore trying to educate people substitutes for talking to them about children we don’t have, fulltime jobs we don’t do and holidays with friends or families of creation which we don’t go on.
We are not psychopaths
How then can you say you are kind if you don’t know how to control your impulses? Well we are not psychopaths. In fact even among the criminal fraternity there are few primary psychopaths. Among the psychopaths there are in the world, not everyone is a serial killer. Many are ruthless businessmen in board rooms and some are politicians. We are kind because we have learned as children how to be moral and are described by Simon Baron Cohen as super moral because those parts of our brains which remain child like stay that way and children are taught to be kind by sensible parents and teachers. Also knowing how to love is not synonymous with poor impulse control. That’s as silly as saying that knowing how to turn the oven on is the same as being a competent chef. Knowing a few words of French, German or Japanese is being multilingual. Please remember that Asperger’s is a cruel condition. The enlightened among us know what and when we do and get it wrong. In theory we know what to do or what we ought to have done but this dawns on us way, way, after the event perhaps hours after or sadly sometimes not at all. The questions you should be asking are: “If it was so simple why can’t you do it”? Yes maybe but also: “If it was so simple surely as a bright person you would have done it by now”? Of course we would especially as we are high functioning people. Maybe the other question should be: “Why don’t I spend time honing my own skills and trying to understand others more? What do I do to modify my own faults”. When you ask those questions of yourself you will realise it’s not so simple after all is it.