Extreme Verbosity. Very wearing so why don’t you stop doing it?
This is one of the most unfortunate Asperger’s traits but it’s a fact that I can talk for Britain, the world and the universe.
I used to put it down to blindness since words are all I have but not to take your heart away as the Bee Gees sang but rather to drive you all away which is only good if you are patronising or unkind. My nickname at College was “Talkative” so, given that the place was full of visually impaired people, some of whom were totally blind, meant I stood out even there. I used to put this down to blindness alone or living alone once I did so but I’ve always been like this.
My Asperger’s Assessment
Once I went for my Asperger’s assessment I found out from the Clinical Psychologist that Asperger’s is at the root of this and I knew that from my research into autism. I am sure that social anxiety is the trigger since when I talk to K on WhatsApp we not only turn take but also leave pauses for the other one to interject but when at some infernal party from which I can’t escape then I’m likely to be like some juggernaut on the motorway and even if you are as small as the little bubble car you just can’t get past since I don’t turn off so beep as loudly as you like. The only solution is a sledge hammer but how many people carry them to a party!
Every time before I go somewhere or someone comes I tell myself beforehand that I really must not do that this time and every time I fail.
Once, the husband of a nice enough couple who were very helpful to me years ago actually told me:
“You are very entertaining but very wearing”.
At the time I used to go to his house where he and his wife gave those who attended for bible study a meal beforehand but I was very reluctant to go after he had said that. I couldn’t deny it but seemed powerless to stop it but a change in my facial expression and my demeanour for a little while afterwards caused him to ask if there was anything wrong. I just explained that words were all I have but couldn’t really supply a sensible reason other than that as to why this happened. They invited a guy to one of their gatherings and I was outboxed or should that have been outtalked? Maybe this guy also had Asperger’s or just lived alone as did and still do. I wanted to ask him why the hell he didn’t pause for breath but I knew this would be hurtful and took comfort from the fact that I am not alone in doing this and was especially gratified because he was and hopefully still is sighted if he is still alive.
Social Activities
All this happened many decades ago. I don’t do group activities any longer and am the happier for it. It gets up my nose when all these worthies tell people to join groups and exercise and eat the right grub and they’ll put off their deaths for ages on end. They never think to tell people what to do if they can’t go for nice long walks at a brisk pace and without help and guide dog owning days are over and neither do they acknowledge that not all are at their ease in groups and that there are different ways of socialising and communicating. At all these gatherings there’s all the food these worthies despise, along with all the alcohol which may put me at ease were I recommended to drink some which is contraindicated because of medication and I can never be sure I get the same glass back if I have even a second soft drink so there’s absolutely no joy in these gatherings which in my case are likely to knock ten years off my life rather than add them to it and certainly transfer my ten years to the poor sucker who ends up sitting next to me and opens the flood gates for verbal diarrhoea but at least I’m bright enough not t have mental constipation.
One consolation I can take from all this is that I know why I do the things I do and have the courage and humour to confront all these things which others may consider faults whereas there are plenty of people walking around who do far worse things and don’t realise their little foibles so the honesty and openness I sometimes extend to other people much to their chagrin I also extend to myself and may possibly be a little too hard on myself if truth were told.
K’s sister said to her that if something else isn’t moving then her mouth is. Possibly unkind but probably true but the good things about her make me just so happy to have her as a friend and equally sad that she is on the other side of a bewildering, scary and often incomprehensible world full of people as to be so unlike me in many ways as to be considered aliens from another planet but that’s because they and I don’t share the same neurology. Maybe I should find a way of explaining how we are similar because in many ways we are.