The Common Thread

If I asked you what someone blind and with Asperger’s has in common with all people everywhere, regardless of disability, religious affiliation, no religion and both sexes what would you say?
My guess is:
“Nothing. I mean these people are helpless, burdensome, trying to be with and perhaps something in common with skilled maths students or musicians or people who are like themselves but not me. I’m a woman/i’m a teacher or Catholic etc.”
Here’s the answer: the common thread of humanity which runs through us all like the letters in the British seaside favourite – A stick of rock.

To a greater or lesser extent we need and want to socialise and fulfil our potential but most of all we want to be accepted as human and not just burdensome. Certainly I want people to enjoy my company and even if it’s for far less time than they may enjoy that of their other associates, be they professional colleagues or friends, I still like to think that I can be interesting to be with and informative as well as informed.
When someone does something extraordinary for me It feels and is insulting and extremely hurtful to hear that others think they must be mental which is not a nice epithet to use anyway, to want to put themselves out for me though naturally when someone does a hugely kind act it’s right that that kindness should be both acknowledged and praised and appreciated but it’s sad that the default reaction should be:
“Goodness! You must be mental to undertake something like that”.
I have noticed over the years that if I have asked people to come the default reaction is:
“That’s kind of them to visit you”
and if I have said I have been invited somewhere the immediate reaction is:
“That’s kind of them to ask you”.

Unless the other person is blind as well then this is always the first comment people make and this does nothing for either K’s or my self-esteem. Socialising is not easy at the best of times and it makes me want to do it far less if I know I’ll have the implicit and indeed explicit comment that I am someone’s good deed for the day and that they are socialising with me on sufferance rather than doing so only on a professional basis or not at all.
How do you think you would feel as a black person or a homosexual if absolutely everyone else but black or homosexual people told you that you are hard work and it’s kind of others to bother with you?
An appalling comment was made by some famous doctor who doesn’t deserve the oxygen of publicity but wrote in his rather predictably boring book that a boy called Johnno had Asperger’s and is therefore hard work. I’m glad this guy isn’t my GP and would be almost glad it’s nearly impossible to get a doctor’s appointment these days if he were. I’d recommend his book like a hole in the head but then I wouldn’t.

If professionals have an appalling and reprehensible attitude like that then what hope for the rest of us?
Let’s not end on a sour note or dwell on tin-pot GP’s. Occasionally I have met support workers who have said more than the usual things like thanking me for their money when I have handed it over and “See you next week”.
Members of the public, met at various locations have said:
“Nice to have met you” and some have actually said nicer things such as the fact they thought me interesting to talk to.

Both K and I know we are what others call hard work. We know we talk too much and say tactless things and need help to navigate strange places and we already suffer the pain of being thousands of miles apart and not able to meet daily, weekly or even monthly. In fact it’s five years since we have met and next month will probably be the second and final time we will ever meet and I am aware and grateful, as is K, that although the financial obligation is on me to pay for this trip, Lisa is still going to be parted from her family for two weeks and a bit more, unable to carry out other work, socialise with friends and hug her children so yes, it’s a hugely kind act which most people would neither agree or be able or want to undertake but wouldn’t it have been nice if someone had said to her (maybe they have and I don’t know it)

“Oh that’ll be hard work but will you find it enjoyable do you think”?
“Isn’t it great that two people with so much in common can and will meet again because of what you are doing”?
“It’ll be nice to be in Australia I hope and if you also see your friends for a while during the visit that’ll be great”
“You’ve heard so much about K that it’ll be nice to meet her after all this time especially as I believe you have spoken to her”.

The common thread of humanity links us all and I know very well that both K and I did not want, ask for and do not like the position we are in. We play the hand of cards we have been given with a certain amount of good grace and are loyal and conscientious friends. We also know that we would and long to do more kind acts for others if we were trusted more and less afraid of hurting people and we are both mortified when we do this so please, whomever you meet from whatever group you don’t belong to yourself as well as all those you do, be kind and see the thread that links us all, not the differences that separate us.

That’s our duty, mine as well as yours and you will sprinkle little seeds of kindness every time you do that and so will I just as we plant little thorns of hurt when we don’t and therein lie the roots of prejudice that grow into the trees of intolerance and hate.